Getting away with it: a guide to campus mischief and debauchery
With no parents or overbearing high school teachers, it’s time to start crossing goals off the bucket list and figure out a way to make college more than just learning, meeting new people and preparing for a dream career. Create your own college story with these tips.
Campus comes with a fancy platter of grassy knolls, rooftops, dorms and the turtle pond for smoke spots — but these are also great places to get caught. They’re high-traffic areas, which means plenty of police officers. Toking up in the dorms risks arrest and student conduct of code violations, as opening a window and stuffing a towel under the door does not actually get rid of the skunky smell. To get away with weed, smokers have to get creative.
Walk and smoke
Alex Kulpinski Daily Wildcat Anonymous University of Arizona freshman smokes a marijuana joint outside on Friday night. He uses marijuana recreationally to relieve the daily stresses of school.
Get an easily concealable sneak-a-toke from Hippie Gypsy or Moon Smoke Shop on Fourth Avenue, and then take a walk with your newly-acquired purchase and explore the beautiful neighborhoods surrounding campus. A moving target is harder to hit. Just make sure there are no cars and no one’s watching with binoculars. Plus, sneak-a-tokes come with a container that holds both the pipe and the ground-up green. So if the cops roll up, just put on the cool face, have an excuse for walking around and remember that police can’t search anyone without probable cause.
At night, the Main Library bathrooms are fantastic. Just be sure to get out of there quickly. During the day, the Gould-Simpson building is open and almost always pretty empty. The bathrooms there are empty for hours on end and no one likes to use the stairs of an eight-story building. When smoking inside, check the surroundings, find a nice spot and keep the session down to a single bowl or just a couple hits — the point is to get high and go, not hotbox the bathroom.
There’s a way to get away with drinking anywhere.
For the underage drinker, it’s necessary to have an of-age friend. This friend will gladly buy liquor, but because this person is breaking the law for the sake of friends getting shit-faced, never make him or her pay for booze and let him or her keep the change.
As for storage, it’s important to keep bottles in a subtle location. Never put alcohol in the dorm mini-fridge or out in the open. Stockpile that booze arsenal somewhere clever: a hamper, at the bottom of a sock drawer, in a travel bag not to be used until the end of the semester — just keep it out of sight.
As for location, even a masterful knave should avoid on-campus drinking. It’s fun to indulge in the dorms or to sneak around with a flask, but real drinkers go to bars, which necessitate a fake and more cash, or parties, which max, cost $5 to get in. Here, no one checks identification and the resident assistants won’t come by if the music is too loud.
As for transportation, bring a huge backpack or a duffle bag big enough to fit a 30-pack of beer and a couple bottles. If using the backpack, only buy cans to reduce the risk of leakage and noise and take the cans out of the case. This is why the duffle bag is ideal — it will easily fit everything a drinker can dream of, short of a full bar.
Sometimes, the dorms are too disgusting, or too occupied, to bring back a companion. So what can a horny guy or gal do? Head outside.
Legendary locations run the gamut from the Main Library’s fifth floor, Arizona Stadium, McKale Center, the Student Recreation Center, and the Family and Consumer Sciences Building rooftop. But those are risky sex spots to save for the last few weeks of senior year.
Advisers always say to get involved on campus by joining clubs, becoming involved in student organizations or working at the student unions. While these activities are great for your resume or maybe even your wallet, they also provide access to exclusive rooms via keycard. These exclusive rooms allow certain people access at night, when no one else is around — and some of these rooms have couches to use and desks to hide under. Even if there are no good objects for leverage, walls can provide an amazing sex spot. It just requires the proper position, which is easy to figure out in a drunken, horny mess. And if nowhere seems to jump out as a potential smash spot, do some digging. What’s even better about joining these organizations is that each of them will come with their own set of legendary sex stories, so take notes on great places to perform the time-tested ritual.
Another good place to go for is Old Main. Yes, it’s locked, but the bottofloor on the west side of the building sinks below the concrete. There are tables and benches down there and a wall to hide behind. Just get low, stay in missionary position and save the screams for the finale to avoid attracting attention. The floor isn’t all that bad, either, and gives a couple more reasons to shower together later on.
I’m not condoning or insisting on participation in illegal activities, I just know that many new students are going to try them. Although there are always safety and legal risks to these activities, I’m here to offer advice on how to potentially avoid some of the consequences, if a student chooses to participate in these endeavors.