ASU no match for UA
Congratulations on choosing to attend the University of Arizona, the best school in the state. Wildcat students are a special breed: we bleed red and blue, our diplomas aren’t counterfeit and we know more than one way to insult our enemy, the Arizona State scum devils. Here’s why it’s so easy to make fun of that “school.”
The UA and ASU rivalry dates back to 1899 when the pair faced off on the football field in the first Territorial Cup, and is listed by the NCAA as the oldest trophy rivalry in all of college football. Needless to say, Arizona leads the series 47-37.
We’re talking decades upon decades of insults, jokes and various demeaning phrases. So read closely and take notes because you have my full permission to regurgitate all of this to your Phoenix friends.
Most people change their name because the one chosen by their mother is deeply mortifying. Take Tempe Normal School for example, ASU’s original name. They spent too many athletic seasons with “The Normals” printed across their chest that they resorted to changing their name. That’s a confidence booster.
But in fact, they are living up to their original name. Arizona State is known for its quantity of students, not quality. They may have the largest undergraduate student body in the state and nation, but many of the 56,562 scum devils attend for reasons other than seeking academia. They’ve gained reputations for being dumber than cavemen, more promiscuous than Playboy girls and less likely to obtain a degree, with a 32 percent four-year graduation rate, according to a USA Today national college study.
The running joke on campus is that Sparky is Satan and Mario’s troubled offspring. It burns when Sparky pees. The required “ASU 101” colloquial course teaches incoming freshman to memorize, “Would you like fries with that?” Or the classic jab, “Your STD ratio is higher than your literacy rate.”
So with the fall semester upon us, be grateful for choosing such a reputable school. UA is known for ZonaZoo, one of the biggest student fan sections in the country. We have one of the largest Greek Life systems, the best baseball team in Pac-12 history, a renowned medical research institution and some of the best hiking trails and sunsets in all of Arizona. We share the colors of our nation’s flag, our mascots Wilbur and Wilma have been happily married for 26 years, and most importantly we love being part of a tradition that values class over ass, intellectuals over “defectuals” and a degree of academic accomplishment over a certificate of participation.
But remember, at the end of the day we are all human. We poke fun in the spirit of college rivalry but we can’t help that some of us just make better college choices than others.
— Courtney L’Ecuyer is the perspectives editor. She can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter via @WildcatOpinions.