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Thursday, July 31, 2014 | Last updated: 8:32am

Rank and File



Brilliant

Ellen Page’s coming out speech — Page has a much more affecting and important message to convey than simply “be less horrible to each other.” Watch the video, don’t just glance at the GIFs.

Gus Kenworthy — You probably know him as the cute U.S. silver-medal skier, but did you know he’s also a Sochi puppy savior? Kenworthy is basically Captain America.

Chris Pratt’s abs in “Guardians of the Galaxy” — Pratt has been due for tight-clad stardom for some time, or any kind of stardom really. Apparently, crunches were the key. We’ll be awaiting Bert Macklin, FBI: The President’s Rubies.

Blah

Olympian sex — Don’t get us wrong: For the Olympians, the sex is probably mind-blowing. But we just don’t care. People have sex. Sometimes they have sex in oppressive countries masquerading as happy-good-times zones. Whatever. Good for them.

Self-Tying shoes in 2015 — It’s called Velcro. We’ve had it for a while. We don’t even have to go back to the future.

Shia LaBeouf — Skywriting, paper bags, plagiarism — if everyone shuts up about Shia LeBeouf for a while, we’ll consider the whole situation even-stevens.

Bogus

Stephen Jin Woo Kim’s guilty verdict — As journalists, we have a special penchant for free speech and a special dread of any encroachments on it. The feds’ insistence on punishing acts of conscience steals some of our citizenship.

“Knowing” Ellen Page was gay first — Coming out isn’t a competition, and, no, you can’t predict someone’s orientation based on their outfits. Let’s give Page her chosen moment without invalidating her existence as a gay woman.

Michael Dunn mistrial apathy — We should never stop being shocked at the preventable deaths of our young people, whatever race, whatever gender, whatever whatever. If we’ve grown to expect that justice cannot be served, it won’t be. The roots of our problems will remain firmly planted.


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