Column: This November, why not elect the greatest evil? Vote Cthulhu 2016
Can Cthulhu defy all odds and win the 2016 presidency?
Editor’s note: This is Jackson Morrison’s satirical take on the 2016 presidential election.
In this upcoming election, many Americans are upset with their options for president. Americans will again vote for who they hate the least rather than who they like the best, but if it’s a choice of evils, why not pick the greater evil?
This election, I encourage you to pick the greatest of all evils and write in Cthulhu for the next president of the United States of America.
While it’s true Cthulhu does not quite have the same public service history as Hillary Clinton does, he has been the source of far fewer controversies.
Clinton’s greatest barrier to earning a seat at the White House—besides Cthulhu the Sleeper of R’lyeh glory unto he—is the ever-so-public email controversy that’s led many Americans to distrust her.
During her tenure as secretary of state, she potentially used 13 different mobile devices to send classified information and, at date of writing, none are accounted for.
Cthulhu has never had a scandal of this magnitude. There’s no documented evidence of Cthulhu mishandling information, ever, and in classic High Priest of the Great Old One’s fashion, Cthulhu has managed to take rumors of his criminal misdeeds and turn them into both positives for himself and negatives for former Secretary of State Clinton.
“Americans should not be concerned about my opponent’s use of a private email server. They should be outraged at her incompetence at getting caught ... As the head of a worldwide network of cults, I’ve had centuries of experience keeping what a few have termed ‘criminal activities’ far from public view. Not only am I the greatest evil on November’s ballot, I am the only competent one.”
Not only is Cthulhu more competent than former-secretary Clinton, he is also far more tolerant than his other major political opponent—Donald Trump.
In perhaps one of the most quoted phrases during this election, Trump began his race to the White House by accusing large segments of Mexican immigrants of being criminals and rapists.
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best,” Trump said at one of his first campaign speeches. “They’re not sending you,” Trump said, pointing to a member of the audience. “They’re not sending you,” he said, pointing to another member of the audience.
“They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
This is a level of bigotry rarely seen in a presidential election, where the prevalent strategy is to avoid upsetting as many as possible in order to not lose votes. Trump’s rather frank comments have, in fact, earned him a significant number of die-hard fans who believe that his “say it like it is” attitude is exactly what American needs.
It’s possible to have this attitude without marginalizing large groups of people. If you want a candidate who will tell you what he thinks without accusing innocent people of being rapists and drug dealers, vote Cthulhu.
Cthulhu sincerely believes that every person should be considered and be treated as an equal.
“Americans want leadership with confidence,” Cthulhu, the Great Old One, said. “Name-calling [people] belies an insecurity of character that you will not find with Cthulhu as your president. Instead of dividing Americans by tossing my political opponents into a basket of deplorables, I resolutely want to place every human into a basket of edibles.”
While this stance may be somewhat unique in the race, it’s a clear and definitive example of the candidate “telling it like it is”.
So remember when you vote this November—please remember to vote this November—don’t simply choose the lesser of evils. Vote for the candidate you believe will lead this country into the future.
The person—or immortal deity—that you think is the best bet for protecting the interests of the high cult, who will bridge the gaps and who will promote the common destiny of all people.
This November, vote Cthulhu.
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