Super Cool News: How to survive the Tucson summer heat

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Heather Newberry | The Daily Wildcat

The Sonoran Desert in Arizona. Summer days in Tucson often reach high temperatures.

Note: Super Cool News is a Daily Wildcat feature that shares the, yes, coolest news happening around town and around the country. Try not to take what its writers have to say too literally.

In two weeks, summer vacation will officially have arrived. It may seem hard to believe, but that does not make it less true. Unfortunately, as summer gets closer, something starts to happen with the outside world of Tucson. 

You may have noticed that the outside temperature has begun to warm up considerably during the past few weeks, and this trend will continue until not too long from now when Tucson will become nothing but an apocalyptic summer wasteland running rampant with 105-degree heat.

One bit of advice: Get out now.

Many students listen to this advice and get the hell out of town for summer break, but just as many of us remain stuck in the Dirty T for summertime. If this sounds like you, you better start preparing now, before it’s too late.

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Luckily, you have ways to prepare, so listen up.

Spending the summer in an underground bunker always makes for a solid Tucson summer plan. 

Unfortunately, it seems like in recent years more and more people have stopped building underground bunkers in their homes, creating a stigma that these safe havens only serve conspiracy theorists and those people who never stop planning for for a zombie apocalypse.

However, this could not be further from the truth. 

Any reasonable Tucsonan should spend at least two to three months of the year safely locked in their air-conditioned, underground bunker packed with canned peaches and freeze-dried ice cream. Any sort of non-perishable food will do. 

Of course, these bunkers take a while to build, so you better start soon if you want it completed with enough time to still make productive summer use out of it.

Now, this next option might prove unaffordable for many of us, but you could always hire a summer servant to take care of all of your heat-related needs. 

Everyone needs a summer job, and if you find someone just desperate enough at just the right time then you may convince them to follow you around all summer with an umbrella and a water bottle, simultaneously shading you from the dreadful sun and keeping you well-hydrated.

This next one unfortunately gets rather difficult, but if you get the chance, jump right on it. Studies have shown that spending the summer as some sort of magical water creature can greatly improve a student’s overall summer experience. 

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If you wade out into a body of water and say the magic words correctly, creatures from the deep may just adopt you as one of their own and allow you to ride out the summer as they conjure up plans to take revenge on the human race for polluting so much of the world’s water supply.

Unfortunately, bodies of water in Tucson will prove about as rare as the magical water creatures themselves, but if you somehow get this opportunity then make sure not to waste it. What sounds better than spending the summer as a mermaid, or merperson to stay politically correct.

If all else fails, you can always follow the standard advice and just drink lots of water and put on lots of sunscreen. But don’t fall into this trap. “The man” invented this rule just so corporate entities could sell more bottles of water and sunscreen.

 Everyone knows that no matter how much water you drink, it’s still hot as hell here during the summer. They say that if you’re thirsty, it’s already too late. Give me a break.

Summer in the great city of Tucson may feel like a constant outdoor oven, but some careful planning beforehand can help you outsmart the dreadful rays of sunlight that will soon radiate across the city. If you don’t have this figured out yet, stop studying for your finals right now and devote all your time and energy into preparing for the summer. It may become your only hope of not roasting alive.


Follow Alec Kuehnle on Twitter.



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