In case you didn't know, GQ just released a list of the ""25 Douchiest Colleges"" in America. First the good news: the UA did not specifically make the list. Now the really good news: Arizona State University was ranked number 14. Finally, the bad news: the UA did get a not so ""honorable mention"" under ASU's category — ""Duke, any state school in Florida or Arizona, U. of Delaware, Dartmouth.""
It was great, indeed almost a dream come true, that our long held views of ASU were validated by as reputable a style guide as GQ.
If you're curious as to what the main type of douchebag who attends ASU is, then you're in luck! GQ broke it down for us. ASU happens to be the home of the ""Show Us Your Tits!"" douche, and named students enrolled at the largest public research university in America, ""Most likely to inadvertently find an Internet picture of that girl from your Robert Ludlum seminar, sunburned and topless while vomiting a melon-ball shooter through her nose."" Sounds like a party! Except for the seminar. Although, I doubt ASU students actually attend class anyway.
Who would have guessed that an institution of such high standards could attract the kind of riff-raff whose favorite pick-up line, according to GQ, is, ""I like your boobs,"" and whose fraternities occasionally pull pranks like vomiting milk from a bridge into oncoming traffic and causing an accident?
For those of you who don't know, a douchebag is a person, nearly always a male, who walks around with feelings of entitlement and arrogance while engaging in obnoxious, selfish, misogynistic or otherwise annoying speech, dress or behavior. Think Bradley Cooper's character in the movie ""Wedding Crashers.""
Basically, douchebag is a term used to stereotype a large group of people. We can thank the likes of ""South Park"" and ""The Daily Show"" for its enormous jump in popularity over the last decade, and though its meanings are numerous, the Oxford English Dictionary describes the term as, ""a general term of disparagement, esp. for an unattractive or boring person.""
What are some other words through history you can think of that stereotype a certain social gathering of people? Hippie is a good one. So are preppy, stoner, jock and goth. All of these are comparable, but none so fun and worthy of appreciation as douchebag.
Even the Urbandictionary.com agrees. It defines the word ""douchebaggery"" as, ""the greatest word of all time."" No need to convince me, Urban Dictionary.
The fact that ASU was only 14 on the list is troubling to me. That means there are 13 more colleges in America that may not equal ASU's douchebags in sheer number, but who surpass them in the qualities required to make someone a douchebag. Thirteen is a lot!
Thankfully, though, we here at the UA don't generally have to deal with any of the top 13.
I'm convinced that ASU can one day soon surpass the rest on the list to become number one. I will relate to you a quote from the fictional, yet very realistic, ASU student Roger McFeelin as stated in GQ, ""I had such an awesome time in Cancun. I got really f-ing tan, the girls were hot, and the Ecstasy was almost pure. I was like; I wish Cancun was a college! Then I realized — it is!""
GQ and I agree that the only thing easier to get into than ASU is its fraternity of douchebags once you're there, and the hardest thing to get into at ASU is the Student Health Services Center.
— Chris Ward is a senior majoring in English.
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.