Personally, I think Christmas is totally boring and depressing. However, my opinion is apparently only one of many, as evidenced by what I assume fills the opinions section of the paper on days when I don't write an article.
That's why, as a service to my fans and whoever happens to pick up the paper today, I'm going to try to be positive and list off all the fun things you can do around Christmas time, depending on your social and political leanings. So, if you're a …
Point out how pick-and-choosey liberals are with their interpretation of the First Amendment in celebrating a state-recognized holiday that's basically called ""Jesus-Church."" Let those Obamamites get access to Christmas cheer outside the context of the birth of Christ? Not on your watch!
Start asking for proof of Obama's citizenry again. This is probably the best time of the year to accuse Obama of being a secret Muslim, since the holiday season is when people tend to act the most religious. You can do it, guys; the incriminating evidence is out there.
Excuse massive purchases of typical inane shit that won't make your family closer together or make you any happier. Tell yourself, ""It's for the economy!""
Cling to gun and/or Bible.
Point out how it was way too cold for the shepherding patterns described in the Bible's account of Jesus' birth for the birth of Christ to have happened in December. Proceed to explain to your kids the origins of Santa Claus, and don't feel a lick of irony the whole time.
Start working on a diagram which explains, in color, how all of Obama's mediocrities as a president are just Bush's fault anyway. Show it to your conservative friends and feel warmed by the fires of your own smugness.
Hypocritically buy into capitalism for a month. Obsess over getting your family and friends the ""perfect gift"" in order to fill the deep void inside of you that would otherwise be subsided by religion this time of year. Tell yourself, ""I'm totally fulfilled by my long-distance relationship and political science internship this winter break.""
Cling to that false sense of superiority.
Bide time for years until a foolish woman marries you. Then have kids (Remy Jr. and Olivia) and don't raise them on Santa Claus. Explain to them around the end of November that Santa Claus is just one of many other systems of control used by society to keep you in line. Wait for a call from Derek, your rival on the PTA board, who you have been plotting against ever since he argued that every kid should get a trophy at the end of the flag football season, regardless of their playing ability or team records. What an idiot.
He finally calls: ""Hi, this is Derek, Teresa's dad? I just heard something very troubling from my daughter. Apparently, Remy Jr./Olivia has been going around telling everybody at school that Santa Clause isn't real … ""
Wait a beat. Respond.
Immediately hang up the phone, high fives all around.
— Remy Albillar is a senior majoring in English and creative writing. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.